after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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