My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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