I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
