i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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