Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
