I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
