you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
