when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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