I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
