Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
