Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
