I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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