His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
