she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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