Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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