I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
