dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
sex in a hospital.. check
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
