And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
