Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
