If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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