Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
