I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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