she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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