we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
