a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
