I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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