im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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