ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
