1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
