After last night, I could never be a politician.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
