I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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