How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
