He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
