i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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