How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
