CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
