I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
