I got chris browned last night
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
