just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
