I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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