she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
