i wish my penis had a tongue
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
