So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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