call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
