Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
