I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
