Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
