After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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