as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
