When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
